


Reticence

by 2Be_Still



Series: Reticence [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2014-03-20
Packaged: 2017-12-14 00:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 15,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Be_Still/pseuds/2Be_Still
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically Sebastian captures Clary and well, she gets tortured and beaten and there's something else that he did to her that she doesn't want anybody to know. you can probably guess what that is. When they save her and bring her home, she wont let anyone touch her. another thing. She doesn't talk. Hence the name reticence. She's never going to talk again. She has nightmares. She is afraid of her memories. I like to have songs that go with my stories so I like Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. Imagine Clary saying that to Sebastian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Note

**Author's Note:**

> if in the middle of the story I put something in brackets, that means it's a little note to the reader :) i do that alot  
> in the story, Jace does not have the Heavenly Fire. Im just not that creative -_-

Simon crawls into bed next to Clary. Since Jace is still in the infirmary, he is the only one to stay with her at night. She still has trouble sleeping even when she knows Jace is okay.

Clary falls asleep fast after he comes in but Simon has more trouble. He keeps thinking about everything. How much his life has changed since Jace, Alec, and Izzy came into his life. Simon doesn't blame Clary but he knows she blames herself. For turning him into a vampire.

Simon likes to think about the good things, though. Jocelyn and Luke, Jace falling in love with Clary, and Iz...

Warm thoughts wash over him as he thinks of her. Finally, with her on his mind, he finds enough peace to sleep.

 

Simon wakes with a start. He looks out the window and the sun is in the middle of the sky. Noon. He slept in again. Simon looks beside him to see that Clary is gone. Probably to make coffee or something. But then he notices a note on the pillow. A note? He opens it and reads.

"Dear Daylighter,

Wait a second, isn't Jace supposed to be the one sleeping with her? Anyway, I took Clary. I was going to kill you but I knew that she would never cooperate then. So I settled for drugging you to keep you from waking up.

Don't worry, Clary's fine... for now.

Good luck finding us. You're going to need it.

Oh, and tell Jace that Clarissa is _mine_ ."

Simon dashed out the door in search of Alec, Izzy, or preferably Jace.


	2. The Man in the Picture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and alec somewhat scene!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this one is really short too but you fuckers are really lucky. I got bored. This is 6 days earlier than when I said I would post it.

Magnus held the picture frame to his chest. Chairman meow lay beside his head, purring as he slept. He stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, thinking. Magnus lifted the frame to see the man in the picture it held. He loved those eyes. They were a deep crystal blue, and everytime he looked into them, he saw his reflection. But he didn't just love the eyes because of their color. He loved them because they were _Alec's._

He sighed and laid the frame down beside him on the bed. He missed Alec. He knew he was the one to break it off with him, but he still missed him. Magnus didn't know if he regretted telling Alec goodbye or not.

 _What are you thinking, Magnus?_ he said to himself.

_He betrayed you_

He missed him.

_He dealt with Camille_

He missed him.

_He doesn't even trust you_

Magnus still missed him.

He remembered how innocent Alec was the first time he stayed over at his apartment. He was shy, but he always was. It was that night that Magnus loved to remember the most. Memories of Alec cascaded over him as he lay in the bed that him and Alec had shared so many times. Magnus was so... _forward_ while Alec was very reserved. Opposites attract, right?

Maybe one day, he could forgive him. Maybe.

Magnus's cellphone rang, making Chairman Meow jump and leap from the bed, padding into the living room. He looked at who was calling him and he saw a name he didn't know if he was dreading seeing or not.

Alec.

Magnus wasn't ready to forgive him. Not yet. Not now. And not over the phone. He couldn't do it yet. But he couldn't just let it ring...

Magnus answered the phone.

"Alec..."

"Magnus! Sorry,I know you were expecting my brother but I didn't have your number on my cell." The voice belonged to Alec's little sister, Isabelle. For a second, his heart lifted. Alec still had his number on his phone. Then, his heart dropped. Iz sounded panicked and was talking in a rush.

"Isabelle?" he asked.

"I know you and my brother are broken up or whatever, but this is an emergency. It's Clary..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUUUN. sorry I had to. Damn cliff hangers, right? yea sorry. The next chapter is longer :) I WILL post it on TUESDAY. not tomorrow. TUESDAY. i was nice this time. hope you like it c:


	3. Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first story I have ever taken the time to write. My friend encouraged me to write it when I told her the idea of it. I'm really glad you have taken the time to read it :) I hope you like it

The Clave got together after Maryse told them about Sebastian taking Clary. Of course, they don't really care about her. They only want Sebastian. The ignorance of Clary's state put Jace on edge. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat. His _parabatai_ stays with him all the time but mostly to get away from Magnus, who is always there for the numerous meetings.

Jace and Alec sit in Alec's room, him by the window and Jace on the bed. Alec looked over at his brother, his head in his hands, just his posture told him that he was exhausted. Alec hated seeing him like this.

"I don't think she's dead," he told him.

"I don't either," Jace said through his fingers. "Sebastian wouldn't just take her to kill her. He wants her for something."

"Then what are you so torn up about? She's okay."

"No, she might not be. I don't expect Sebastian to take her and keep her in mint condition." Jace looked up. "I don't think he's going to kill her. I think he's going to do everything he can to wear her down until there's nothing left. He wouldn't just _let_ her die. He wants to break her."

~

On Clary's behalf, Jocelyn, Luke, the Lightwoods, Magnus, and Simon illegally get together to form a plan. Despite the topic, Jace can't pay attention. Like he has been doing for the past weeks, Jace tracks Clary again. He was never able to get a picture of her, though. Now, he does. She is in a corner, beaten and bloody, holding her arms up to protect herself. Sebastian is standing above her, whip in hand, pulling his arm back to strike again.

_"No!"_ Jace yelled, opening his eyes. He stood abruptly, causing the chair he was sitting in to fly backwards. Everyone was staring at him with mixed looks of concern and confusion.

"I saw her. _I saw her."_

~

Finally, Magnus was able to track down Sebastian. And Clary. Where ever he was, Clary had to be with him. Jace wanted to be the one who held the sword that ended his life. He had Clary. He had taken her from him. Who knows what he has been doing to her. Torturing her? Jace shuddered at the thought. 

He missed her so much, it had become like a dull ache covering his whole body, but more intense around his chest. He could still hear her laughing, talking, and still feel her hand in his and her in his arms when he held her. He would get her back soon. He would kill Sebastian.

Jace hoped to find Clary healthy and unharmed, but for some reason he doubted it. What if he found her and she _was_ dead? For a second, he couldn't breathe as he thought about this possibility. _No._ He would know already if she was dead, right? He would feel it.

~

Magnus finished the portal to the building that held Clary captive. Alec had filled Jace in on what the plan was.

~

As Jace wondered through the eerie building, he thought of one thing. Please let Clary be okay. He knew that somewhere in this building, she was here. Okay, or not, she was here. The building was alot like the institute. But bigger. The hallways looked exactly the same, but there were no runes. No angels, or anything of that matter. There was demonic drawings though. Lots of them.

Jace walked the hallways with Alec, Jace opening the doors on the right side, Alec the doors on the left. Each room after the next was empty. Absolutely no furniture of decorations. The walls weren't even painted. Finally, they made a turn in the hallway that led to a dead end. There were two more rooms to check. Jace opened his and again found nothing. He was starting to worry. With no word from the others, for all he knew, she wasn't even here. They doubted Sebastian would be here because the last time they tracked Clary, she wasn't with him. He was probably somewhere else doing some other business. But if Clary wasn't here or with Sebastian, where could she be?

"Jace! Get in here!" Alec's voice echoed through the halls. Jace ran into the other room to find that it had furniture. It was a normal, plain bedroom. There was no light, no windows or witchlights, but even through the darkness, Jace could see that Clary was there, in the bed. He ran to her side while Alec went to get the others. If Sebastian wasn't there at the time, he had been there recently. Her scars, bruises, and cuts were all new, some still bleeding. Jace gave her an _iratze,_ but she didn't wake up. Some of the wounds didn't heal at all.

Everyone else came into the bedroom and crowded around her bed. Magnus saw he had to heal her so he made everyone stand back. His hands lit up with the blue energy he had and he put his hands on Clary's arms. Her wounds seemed to glow with the energy, but nothing else really happened. He healed her as much as he could, which wasn't a lot, considering the magic Sebastian must have used to hurt her. He quickly ran out of energy. Magnus explained to the others that there wasn't much he could do without the energy to do it, but Alec stepped up and offered his hand.

"Take mine."

~

Jace was there when she woke up. She knew it before she opened her eyes. They were in Magnus's apartment and it was dark outside. She looked up at him, but he was asleep in the chair beside the couch she was laying on. She leaned up, making the couch creak, waking Jace.

"Clary!" he said when he saw her. "Oh, thank God," he said to himself. "Are you okay?" Jace reached out to touch her face, but she backed away, terrified. He looked at her with a look of confusion, and then realization dawned. She was scared of his touch. "Clary, I'm not going to hurt you."

She only looked at his hand with wide eyes. He let it drop. She seemed to relax at that. 

"Are you okay?" he asked again. 

She only looked at him. She didn't say anything. 

"Clary?"

Again, nothing. He knew she heard him. She didn't look confused. She looked as if she were about to apologize. As if she were... sorry. "What's wrong?"

At that, she looked down and sighed. When she finally looked up, she gave him the smallest smile. Not a happy smile, either. One of those smiles that meant you had absolutely nothing to smile about. He was about to ask her to say something when it all clicked into place.

She wasn't going to say anything.

She had no words.


	4. Revealation

Jace calmly explains that everyone is at yet another Clave meeting. Him and Isabelle are the only ones home and she is asleep. 

"You aren't going to talk, are you?" It was more of a statement rather than a question. She looked down. "Clary, you're safe now. Sebastian can't get here. There are wards put up around us and I am sure as hell not going to hurt you. But if you don't want me to touch you..."

She reached out, obviously nervous, and touched his hand. He took hers, though it was obvious she didn't want him to do any more than just that.

~

Jace noticed that Clary was still a little weak form the magic used on her so he took her to one of Magnus' spare bedrooms so she could get more rest. Isabelle came out of her room as he headed back to the living room. 

"Is she awake?"

"Yeah, she has been but she needed more rest."

"Why aren't you in there with her?"

"Well, I would have some serious explaining to do when Jocelyn gets back, now, wouldn't I?"

Iz looked at him for a few seconds. "There's something you're not telling me."

Jace sighed and took his little sister to the main room. 

"Iz," Jace started when they were seated on the couch. "She won't let me touch her."

"But you aren't Sebastian."

"I'm not done. There's more. She... she doesn't talk."

"What do you mean?" Iz asked, puzzled. 

"I mean what I said. She won't talk to me. I know she heard me. She's not talking."

"So she just stopped? She's not going to talk again?"

"I don't know..." Jace sighed.

"Look," Isabelle said, suddenly stern. "If she doesn't talk or even let you touch her, don't you dare leave her. You need her just as much as she needs you."

Jace was taken aback. "Don't _you_ dare ever think I'm going to leave her. Because I'm not."

"I thought you would say that."

Just then, Jocelyn, Luke, Simon, Magnus, and Alec came through the door. {No, guys, not at the same time. The door isn't that big}

Jocelyn looked at Jace and Isabelle. "Where's Clary? Is she awake?"

"She was," Jace answered. "She needed more rest so she took one of the spare bedrooms."

"Thanks for asking," Magnus muttered under his breath.

"I'll wake her, although I hate to. I want to talk to her." Jocelyn started towards the spare rooms.

Iz and Jace shared a split-second-silent conversation between each other. Jace would tell them before they found out themselves.

"Wait, Jocelyn." She stopped and turned, looking confused.

"Jace, I know you don't want me to wake her but I'm her moth-"

"No, that wasn't what I was going to say." Jace stood from the couch, hardly realizing that he just interrupted his girlfriend's mother that barely let them be together anyway, not registering that that was a bad way to start this. She was just going to be even more upset once he told her. "There's something I have to tell you," he said, his head scrambling for a good way to approach the situation.

"The last two times I heard that, my daughter was missing. Please tell me this has nothing to do with that."

"No, she's here. She's safe, but..."

"But? Jace, what's wrong?" Luke stepped up to hear better.

Jace racked his brain, searching for a way, any way to sugarcoat what had happened, but he found none. He decided just to be straightforward about it. "Clary, she... She didn't talk. She could definitely hear me, but she didn't say anything back. I couldn't touch her either. I understand that from what happened to her but... Why would she stop talking?" Jace only looked at Jocelyn and Luke, waiting for a reaction.

Simon spoke up. "She didn't say anything? At all?"

"It could just be temporary... She might have just been tired..." Jace reasoned, trying to convince himself that everything was okay now.

"Maybe, but I doubt it." Magnus looked at his sparkling watch. "Alright, guys. We'll talk about this in the morning. Now either get out of here or lay down and shut up. I need my beauty sleep." Jace started to gather his things, knowing Jocelyn's strict rule about not sleeping in the same house as her daughter, but Magnus stopped him. "Oh no. You aren't going anywhere."

"Why?"

"You are important to Sebastian and he's still out there in full-out evil mode, now that we have Clary back. The Institute isn't warded as strongly as it is here. Oh, and Alec can stay, too." Jace had noticed them getting more comfortable around each other. Just maybe...

After what Jace had said, Luke looked dazed. Jocelyn just looked worriedly over at the spar bedrooms. Magnus walked to her and Jace heard him whisper, "It's alright. Let her rest." Slowly, Jocelyn nodded and let him lead her to the first spare room, Luke following behind. Iz and Simon took the last room, Isabelle pulling him after her. She was staying whether Magnus said they could, or not. Now it was just Jace, Alec, and Magnus. 

"What do you mean, you doubt it's only temporary?" Jace couldn't help but ask.

"Jace, I'm tired. Goodnight." He walked off in the direction of his bedroom. Alec walked to Jace.

"You're worried about her." Alec knew that Jace never talked about this stuff, but he was trying to resist the urge to follow Magnus.

"Yeah, I am." Jace looked at him for a few seconds. "Oh, just go talk to him!"

"But what if he-"

"Alec. Go. Seriously. Just talk to him. Staring at him from afar like a damsel in distress isn't going to do anything. Go." Alec looked at the hallway where Magnus had went. He looked back at Jace who raised his eyebrows expectantly. 

"Fine..." Alec whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. Tuesdays. But I tried but my computer deleted everything I typed and didn't let me publish it. I really didn't feel like typing that all over again. I'll probably update it on Saturday because I will be gone all next week... Anyway, I hope you liked it :)


	5. Blueberries

Alec walked in the direction that Magnus had went. He knew he hadn't gone to sleep yet, it was only 11:30. That was early for Magnus. Alec went to his study instead of his bedroom.

When he got there, the door was open and Magnus was sitting at his desk, bent over some papers. Alec knocked on the door to let him know he was there. Magnus raised his head, an irritated look on his face, but his eyes softened when he saw who it was.

"Alec..."

"I'm sorry. I am. I was stupid. I should have told you. I'm here now, and I have everything to lose and I know that. But I'm still here and... I'm sorry. Is it possible... Do you think...?"

Magnus didn't say anything. He sat at his desk for a few seconds, looking at Alec, and finally he stood and walked over to him. He took his face in his hands and, still not saying anything, kissed him, taking him in his arms.

At first, Alec didn't do anything, afraid that if he moved, Magnus would stop, and wanting to savor the moment. Then he recovered himself and kissed back, but Magnus pulled away all too soon.

"I'll think about it." He looked at Alec at an arm's length. "You look exhausted. Go to bed, Alec."

In a daze, Alec walked back to the living room where Jace was laid out on the sofa. He leaned up as soon as he saw him.

"So, how'd it go?"

"Amazing."

~

Clary stood at the bedroom door that led to the hallway. Could she do it? Could she see her mother's face when she found out that her daughter doesn't talk? She already had to deal with Jace's reaction and it almost broke her heart. What if her mother tried to touch her? She was able to hold Jace's hand, but it was hard. It scared her. She wondered if Jace had told them. He definitely knew that she wasn't going to talk.

Finally, she cancelled her thoughts and turned the knob. Can't go back, now.

Everyone else was awake and in the living room. Out of all of them,-Luke, Jocelyn, Simon, Isabelle, Jace, Alec, and Magnus- Jocelyn was the first to see her. Her mother stood and ran over to her. She saw Jace lean forward, as if to warn Jocelyn, but it was too late. 

Instead of her familiar, loving mother, she saw _him_ coming at her, his hands in fists. Clary backed up, and a gasp escaped her when she hit the wall behind her. And then she was back, looking at her mother's shocked expression. "No, Clary, I wasn't going to..."

Magnus slowly stood up and walked to her cautiously. He stood at a distance, not to scare her, she knew. Clary put her head down. They couldn't even come over to her without scaring her. She couldn't even think of them touching her after what he did...

"Clary, to save you, we had to use my powers. It obviously wore you out, as it did me. You need to eat something. Do you want anything?"

 _So this is it,_ Clary thought. She didn't look up. She couldn't bare to see their faces.

"That's what I thought," Magnus said, almost to himself. Clary jerked her head up and gave him a quizzical look. What did he mean by that? Had Jace told them? Magnus padded to the kitchen and came back with blueberries. When she didn't take them and gave him a weird look, Magnus said, "Well are you anorexic too? God what else is wrong with-"

"No," Simon said, standing up. "Clary doesn't like blueberries."

"Who doesn't like blueberries?" Alec asked.

"Clary, apparently," Magnus mumbled. "So Simon, If you know her so well, you get her something to eat."

Simon stood and motioned for Clary to follow him. Still wary, she got off the wall and made her way around Magnus and her mother, into the kitchen with Simon.

"What do you want?" he asked her, opening the fridge. She cautiously stepped beside him and took out some strawberry yogurt. "So is it true?" Simon turned towards her, handing her a spoon. "Are you really not going to talk?" She looked down. She hated doing this to him, but she couldn't talk. If she did, they would press to know what had happened to her, she would break down, and she couldn't even think of getting one word out. She couldn't leave them with what had happened to her. It was not their burden to carry. It was hers. It was her own fault that it had happened. She didn't want to bother them with the truth. But she wasn't lying either.

"Think about this, Clary. Can you go on without talking? You need to be able to communicate. Somehow..." She gave him a stubborn set of her jaw. She would not burden them. No, she wouldn't. Simon didn't know what he was trying to get her to confess to. Hopefully, he would never know. If Jace found out... Her mother...

"Clary, I'm your best friend. Don't think I don't know you. You have to talk sometime..." He wasn't mean about it, he said it in a calm, reasoning voice, quiet, as if talking to a small child. That irritated her. What he said, the way he said it, and she was irritated with herself. It was all her fault he was saying something like this in the first place. Clary threw away the empty yogurt cup and the spoon in the sink and stalked out of the room. Simon _did_ know her well. He was going to try to get her to talk again and he really knew how to get to her. That was what worried her.

When she walked back into the living room, she took a seat on the arm of the chair that Jace was sitting in. Clary could tell that he wanted to touch her arm or hold her hand, but he held himself back. Magnus continued talking on a topic that she couldn't follow, so she didn't try to pay attention. After a while, she noticed that Magnus had stopped talking. She looked up and everyone was looking at her. Someone must have asked her something, but she wasn't paying attention, so she hadn't heard it. 

Clary tilted her head to the side and looked at Magnus questioningly, since he was the last one she remembered talking. He looked at her as if he was trying to decipher a language he had never heard of before, but not as if he were expecting an answer from her. No, he hadn't been the one to say something. Clary looked over and saw Jocelyn who looked upset. That's when she couldn't take it. She had disappointed her mother. She got up and hurried back to the room she had stayed in.

Clary closed the door behind her and fell back against it. Her back slid down the door until she was sitting on the ground with her knees pulled up to her chest. 

It was her fault. It was all her fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason I named this chapter "Blueberries" Is because my friend made a really perverted joke about it when I couldn't decide which food to put in that Clary didn't like, just in case you were wondering. Yeah, don't ask.
> 
> Thank you for reading my story! :D I know it's a sad part right now. I'm sorry I hurt you in this way. I'll update it the upcoming Friday... 
> 
> Hopefully...


	6. Sharpies

Jace wanted to get up and follow her, to comfort her, but he knew he couldn't. Magnus sighed. No one really knew why she left. Luke had only asked if she was still hungry, it wasn't anything that would make her upset.

"Oh no..." Jocelyn said worriedly.

"Why didn't she answer Luke? It was just a simple question." Iz looked at Magnus but he didn't say anything.

"She doesn't talk, Izzy," Jace reminded her.

Jocelyn looked back to Magnus. "She looked like she didn't know what was going on. You don't suppose Sebastian could have made her hit her head too hard? You don't think she could have . . . brain damage, do you?"

Again, Magnus was quiet.

"What if she never lets us get close to her again? What if she never lets us touch her?" Jocelyn looked as if she were about to cry which was surprising because Jace knew she never cried. Clary was just like her.

Finally, Magnus spoke up. "I think that she will learn to trust again. Some day. You have to remember that we have no idea what Sebastian did to her. He could have just beat her. He could have absolutely _tortured_ her. We just don't know. We can't aske her, it would just make her upset, not to mention that _she doesn't talk."_

"Will she ever talk again?" Jocelyn asked hopefully. Simon leaned forward.

"I don't think so, Jocelyn," Magnus said gently. "But I also don't think it's brain damage."

"But why else? What would cause her to stop talking?"

"Herself. She probably blames herself. You know she does that. She probably _wanted_ to stop talking. Because if she didn't want to stop, she would try to find a way to communicate with us, wouldn't she? Don't you see? It's her _decision."_

~

Clary could hear talking, but she couldn't make out words. No doubt they were talking about her. How she shouldn't have broke so easily...

She couldn't help it. Without thinking, Clary went to the small desk and found a Sharpie. Tears streamed down her face but she kept quiet so no one would hear. She wrote something on the inside of her arm, twisting in and out of runes. It read:

Because of me.

It was because of her that all this happened. Because of the way she is that Sebastian did what he did. He beat her. He tortured her. He... But he didn't matter. It was because of her.

Clary then found a piece of paper and wrote. It was the last thing she would ever use to communicate. But, in a way, she hoped no one would find it. This is what she wrote.

"Dear anybody,

I know what you are thinking of me now. I don't talk. Please, _please_ don't try to make me. You think I'm crazy or something. Well, you're wrong.

I _chose_ not to talk. Because I am broken. I have fallen apart. What Sebastian did to me... I don't think I could ever say it. Or even write it. You think he only beat me.

No.

It was way worse.

Sure, it wouldn't take you long to guess but I don't want to play that game.

Don't ask what he did to me. Don't even bring it up. I don't need that memory to come rolling back. I try to forget, but it isn't that easy.

I will have to live with it for the rest of my life. He broke me. He did. No matter how strong you _thought_ I was, I'm not. 

Sorry I didn't live up to your expectations.

Love,

Clary"


	7. Nightmares

_It's in the middle of the night. Clary is sleeping on the floor. She hates the bed in that room. The door burst open to the small bedroom, instantly waking her. She had taken to sleeping lightly so she would wake if anything happened. She sat up quick and pain shot through her body like fire. Black spots blurred her vision. Sebastian, seeing her pain, chuckled._

_"Still a little sore from yesterday, huh, Clary? Me, too. My arm must have pulled a muscle using that damned whip."_

_Painfully, Clary managed to stand, with some difficulty. As soon as she was on her feet, she backed away from him. He had no weapons on him, so she had no idea what was about to happen._

_Sebastian, seeing her distress and rising panic, smiled slow and darkly. He walked towards her, keeping that sick smile on his face and soon he had her pressed against the wall._

_"Really, Clary, you should have seen this coming. And now there's nothing you can do. We both know I'm stronger. Go ahead. Scream. No one will hear you. And it will just make it worse on your part."_

_That's when Clary knew that this was no beating. Not this time. It made her skin crawl. The feeling of him pressed against her._

_"No. No, please," She said feebly._

_Sebastian just laughed. He said things to her. Evil, cruel things that were now a permanent mark on her self image. If she wasn't the way she was, this wouldn't have happened. None of it. Sebastian wouldn't have touched her. But she was the way she was and that is what made Sebastian do just what he did._

_"Such a shame Jace got to you first," he said as he ran his fingers along her jawbone._

_"Oh, well. Let's get started."_

~

Someone was shaking her awake by her arm.

"Clary! Clary, wake up!"

It was Jace.

Suddenly, Clary was alert and she backed away from his touch.

Jace looked hurt and then the look was gone, but she had still saw it.

_What have I done?_ Clary thought, and before she could stop herself, she burst into tears.

"Oh, no, Clary, don't cry." Clary covered her face with her hands so Jace wouldn't see her. He climbed onto the bed beside her and put his hands on her arms so she knew what he was going to do. And she did know. He was going to hold her, and just the thought scared her, but she didn't push him away. Gently, he pulled her onto his lap and in his arms. Her body buzzed with nervous energy, but no one had held her in so long...

"Shhh," he whispered. "It's all right."

_No it's not,_ Clary thought.

"It was just a dream. It wasn't real."

_Yes, it was real. It really happened._

"It's over now."

_But that doesn't make it go away._

"You're okay."

_No, I'm not._

So Clary cried and Jace held her. She cried because of her dream that was real. She cried because Jace had scared her. She cried because she disappointed them. She cried because it was all her fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics that fit this scene!
> 
> "Could we fix you if you broke?" Speechless-Lady GaGa  
> "Because of you, I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me" Because of You- Kelly Clarkson  
> "Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry?" Cry- Glee Cast Version  
> "And I will try to fix you" Fix You- Coldplay


	8. Ink

Alec had heard Clary scream, too, but Jace had told him to stay put. Glancing down the hall, he saw that the door to Magnus's study was still open, even though it was 3:30 in the morning. Knowing what Jace would say, he walked in that direction. When he got to the study, he said Magnus's name, startling him, making him spill ink over his papers.

"God dammit, Alec!" Magnus yelled, but then quickly recovered himself and Alec came to help him.

"I'm sorry," Alec kept saying, feeling bad. But Magnus just brushed it away with a wave of his hand, and continued cleaning the ink. "Were those important? I didn't mean to..." With an exasperated sigh, Magnus looked at him.

"No, Alec, they weren't. It's _fine._ " Magnus took Alec's face in his hands. "I'm not mad. Not anymore." The words had a depth to them and Alec knew he wasn't just talking about the ink.

"You have no idea... I just want you back." At first, he didn't answer and he thought he went too far.

Finally, Magnus met his gaze and replied, "I just want you back, too."

~

About an hour after Jace woke Clary, she finally stopped crying. She did, however, start shaking. Jace stroked her back and her hair and whispered things to her. Things just for her to hear. That she was safe now and Sebastian can't get to her here. He whispered once that he loved her and that seemed to make her shake harder.

Jace noticed that there was something written on her arm that wasn't a rune. Runes had a shimmering look, but this was just dull. It was like a pen mark but there were words written out.

"What is that?"

Clary lifted her head from his shoulder and followed his gaze to the inside of her arm. Her eyes snapped back to his and Jace saw that she was reluctant. With his eyes, he silently asked permission. Clary dropped her gaze, but held out her arm. Through the darkness, he could just barely make out the words, "Because of me."

Jace knew Clary blamed herself and he could tell that there was more behind the words than he knew, but it wasn't her fault. He put his fingers under her chin, intending to lift her face so he could look in her eyes, but she flinched when he touched her.

Jace should have felt hurt, like when he was before, but all he could think was that he was going to kill Sebastian. For hurting her in this way. She shouldn't have to constantly be afraid of anyone getting too close. She didn't deserve that.

"Hey," he said to her gently. "Look at me." She looked up and finally met his gaze. She looked ashamed of herself. "No, Clary. It's not your fault. It was never your fault. Don't you know that?" Clary just pulled him back to her and hid her face in his neck. Jace knew she didn't believe him.

~

Magnus couldn't help but laugh a little when he drew away from Alec. He had smeared ink on his face, making him look absolutely adorable.

"What? Are you laughing at me?" Alec asked with a hurt expression.

"No, Alec. You have ink on your cheek." Alec's face flushed and he used his sleeve to and wipe it off, but it just made it worse. Magnus laughed and went to the bathroom to get a washcloth and handed it to him when he got back. Alec cleaned it off and when he was done, he glared at Magnus, but he couldn't keep the smile off of his face.

"Shut up," he said accusingly at him when again, he laughed at him.

"What are you doing up so late?" Magnus asked, serious again.

"Clary had a nightmare. Jace went to her and told me to stay in the living room."

"Clary had a nightmare?" Alec nodded. "She's too young," he sighed. "This will take away her life. I can't believe she made it through all that without going mad."

"But she stopped talking."

"She still has her sense. There's another reason for her to stop talking, but I just can't figure it out." He stopped and seemed to be thinking to himself for a moment. "But Jace went to her, right?" Again, Alec nodded. "Okay. She'll be fine then. You need to sleep, though."

"Oh. Okay." Alec turned towards the door, but Magnus caught his arm.

"I never said you had to go back to the living room."

~

It was about 5 in the morning when Clary finally fell asleep again and Jace slipped back out to the living room. Alec was no where to be seen. Jace didn't think much of it and was able to get a couple hours of sleep himself before Magnus was shaking him awake.

"Is Clary okay?" Magnus asked.

"Yea, she's fine," He said, leaning up on his elbows. "How did you know I was with her?"

"Alec," Magnus replied.

"Where is he, anyway?" Magnus smiled like he was keeping a secret.

"It's about time you two got back together. Everyday I was just waiting for him to say he had a date with a sparkling vampire. Did you know that mundanes think that vampires actually sparkle in the sun? They don't sparkle. They burn. Well I suppose that must be what young men with no sex appeal have to do to get women to put themselves out there and-"

"Well you don't have to worry about him dating glittery male prostitutes because luckily, I don't charge."

Jace pushed past Magnus and went into the kitchen to get breakfast. He found pancake batter and started to cook. {because he's an awesome motherfucker}

When Jace finished eating, he went back to the living room. Isabelle and Simon were there and Magnus was coming out of the study with Alec following close behind.

"It's stupid," Magnus was saying. "He's more of our enemy than the Clave's. We should be the ones to look for him."

"We aren't allowed to look for him?" Jace asked.

"No. The Clave says that we have done enough. And, because of the Law, we have informed the Clave of Clary's 'condition'" Magnus used air quotes on the last word, "and now they say that we ALL have to stay with her because they think she is mentally ill because she doesn't talk. Now all 7 of us have to stop looking to care for a girl that can take care of herself. It's ridiculous."

At that time, Clary came out of her room, with her ear buds in, listening to music. Jace knew that when she had her ear buds in, she didn't like people to talk to her. Other than that, she showed no sign of the nightmare she had last night. Simon's eyes followed her where she went. He was the one who was the most upset about her not speaking. Other than her mom, of course.

Clary sat beside Simon, giving him a small smile that was obviously fake, folded her legs under herself as she did when she was upset. If someone didn't know Clary very well, they would think she was fine.

After a few seconds, Simon leaned over to where she could hear and asked, "What are you listening to?"

Clary met his gaze and Jace saw something pass between them, something that only happened when you had known the person for years and knew everything about them. Then Clary looked down at her phone and changed the song. She paused it and took the ear buds out, gave it to Simon, got up and left the room.

"Why'd she leave?" Isabelle asked.

Simon sighed. "Whenever we ask each other that question, it really means, 'what are you thinking about?' but instead of answering, we find a song that explains everything.

"Well what song did she choose?"

Simon turned on the phone and went to the music and when he saw the song, he put his head in his hands.

"'Speechless,'" Simon said through his fingers. "She chose a song called 'Speechless.'"

After a moment he pressed play for the others to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speechless- Lady GaGa
> 
> I REALLY didn't feel like typing a whole chapter so sorry for putting it off for so long. :) what can I say? I'm a procrastinator.


	9. Brownies

Clary knew that her choice of song would hurt Simon, but he had to accept that she wasn't going to talk again. Clary couldn't just walk out there as soon as the song was over, she didn't want to see their reactions. Now after doing that, she needed time alone.

Clary found the sharpie she had used the day before and saw that what she had written had begun to fade. She wasn't going to go back over it, though. She thought that maybe, once it was gone, the thought would be out of her mind for good. Maybe it was too much to ask for, but just writing it seemed to help.

So again, she began to write her thoughts.

~

A few hours later, Clary came out of her room smiling. Simon couldn't help it. He smiled too. She went into the kitchen and Simon heard rustling around and she came back and handed a box to him. It was brownie mix. He looked back at her.

"You want to make brownies?"

Clary nodded. Simon laughed. He hadn't made brownies with Clary since before all this started. 

"Alright. Come on."

Clary followed him into the kitchen.

"You get the eggs and milk, and I'll get the pan and oil." She did and started to open the mix. Simon came over to help her and suddenly the bag popped open and powder covered them and fogged the room like smoke. Clary yelped in surprise and Simon burst out laughing. 

"What the hell did you do to my kitchen?!" they heard. Magnus appeared through the powder looking more amused than mad. "Just make yourself at home, don't even ask if you can make brownies," Magnus said, glancing at the box on the counter.

Simon looked from Clary to Magnus. "Can we make brownies?" he asked. Clary giggled. 

Magnus pointed accusingly at him. "Shut up. It's a little too late for that. Whatever. As long as you clean this up when you're done. And I want a brownie, too." He walked out of the room.

The dust had settled and they saw there was enough mix left to make it. So they ran around the kitchen stirring, breaking eggs, and measuring milk, but Simon still noticed that even though she was laughing, there was a depth in her eyes, and she made sure not to get too close to him.

~

Jace woke up from his nap to smell something sweet. He had finally recovered fully from the hours of sleep he had lost. It normally wouldn't effect him so much but because of all that has happened, he couldn't help but feel exhausted.

He walked into the living room to see Clary, who must have finally come out of her room, eating a brownie on the couch. The furniture was different then it was before he fell asleep. Jace looked over to the kitchen to see Simon and Isabelle talking and laughing. Clary obviously didn't mind being alone in the living room. She had her sketch book and was flipping through the pages rather than drawing. Jace saw more writing on her arm when her sleeve rode up but he wouldn't ask about it yet. She was obviously in a good mood.

"Where did you get that?" he asked, indicating the brownie in her hand. She looked up and her eyes flashed the way they did when she saw him. She pointed over to the kitchen.

Instead of going to get one, he sat beside her and she closed her sketchbook and set it on the coffee table. 

"Can I have a bite?" he asked. Clary held her brownie towards her and away from him and gave him a look that he knew meant, "Get one yourself." Jace leaned over to take it from her and she held it as far from him as she could reach, laughing. He reached over her, trying to get the brownie from her and she pushed him playfully, shaking her head.

"Just one bite. That's all I want. Please?" He tried to convince her. She was laughing and trying to get the brownie further away from him. "Just one bite!"

~

Jocelyn watched from the hallway, Jace playing with Clary, fighting over the brownie. Clary looked happy, as if nothing had happened. She was letting Jace touch her, but Simon had said she was still wary of him.

Jocelyn heard footsteps and looked back to see Magnus, watching them, too.

"I don't want a whole brownie!" Jace was saying. "I just want a bite!"

A mischievous look covered Clary's face and she popped the rest of the brownie into her mouth.

"No!" Jace yelled, laughing. He leaned back and looked at her, a grin covering his face. "That's not fair!"

"She'll be fine," Magnus said, pulling Jocelyn's attention back to him. "She just needs time. There will be days when she can laugh and everything will be fine, and there will be days when she may not even get out of bed. Just give her time. Give her time to heal."

~

Jace got off the couch and with a fake hurt expression said, "Fine. I guess I'll have to get my own then." He started to walk towards the kitchen. 

Clary must have followed him because a few seconds later, she wrapped her arms around him from behind and got up on her toes to rest her head on his shoulder. Jace couldn't help but smile, breaking his act, but still, he kept on going.

"Nope," he said. "Too late for that. You could have just given me a bite, but you didn't. Now I have to get one myself." He stepped away from her and again, he saw the writing on her arm.

"I would have given you a bite," he continued. "But you are just mean," at that, he turned around and walked backwards. "And wouldn't let your poor boyfriend have any." Clarys' arms were crossed but she was smiling. She raised her eyebrows and her expression said, "Are you done?" He smiled at her and she rolled her eyes. 

"What if I was starving?" He walked forwards and she followed him into the kitchen. He got a brownie out of the pan and turned back to her. "Do you want a bite?"

Clary laughed and shook her head.

"Oh, you just feel bad."

"Quit picking on her, Jace," Simon smiled. "Everyone knows Clary doesn't share food."

The rest of the evening was filled with laughing and jokes, finally celebrating Clarys' return. But as the day went on, and it got closer to night, her smile began to fade. The glint in her eyes that was there earlier disappeared and Jace knew she was dreading going to bed. He realized that she doesn't have an escape from reality. Sleep was no relief. He saw in her eyes that last night wasn't her first nightmare and she doubted it would be the last. She doesn't have a way to get away from what happened to her.


	10. Tired

"What did you write?" Jace whispered. They were sitting on the couch, Clary's hand resting on his knee and he was playing with her fingers. Her head was on his shoulder.Everyone else had already gone to bed except for Alec and Magnus, who were in the kitchen. Clary was holding off going to bed as long as she could.

"Can I read what it says?" Hesitantly, Clary pulled up her sleeve, not wanting to keep any more than she already was from him. She looked down at what she had wrote. Words of hurt and pain were scrawled around and over now fading runes. The only runes that were new were sleeping and peace runes to help with the nightmares. They didn't help much though. The peace runes dulled her nightmares but not much. Sleeping runes only made it harder to wake up.

Jace pulled her into his arms and she sighed. She had to go to bed. He needed to sleep. She kissed his cheek and stood, but he stood with her. She looked at him, confused. He took her face in his hands and kissed her softly. Oh, he hasn't done that in a long time. She had nearly forgotten what it felt like. He pulled away and whispered, "goodnight." She hoped it would be.

But that was unlikely.

~

Clary didn't even go to sleep that night. She lay in her bed, fighting off exhaustion.  _Sleeping isn't going to help,_ she told herself. It would only bring nightmares which would scare her, and if she calls out like she did the night before, it will wake Jace. And he didn't need that.

~

Everyone except for Jace, Isabelle, Simon, and Clary were at a council meeting again. Simon and Isabelle went to get coffee, leaving Jace and Clary. Jace could tell she didn't sleep well. She lost her balance a few times walking around, but she caught herself before he could catch her. He asked her if she wanted to take a nap but she looked down and shook her head as if saying it was no use.

Later, Clary was reading a book on the couch. Jace sat beside her and watched her. Her eyes were slightly dilated from lack of sleep. He noticed that she was having trouble concentrating. Every few minutes she would close her eyes and slightly shake her head as if pushing away a thought. After a while, she closed the book and set it on the coffee table, obviously frustrated. She leaned back and saw Jace looking at her. She sighed and put her head down. Jace pulled her against him and she leaned into him. He could tell she was trying hard not to look tired, but he knew her. Jace kissed her cheek and her eyes fluttered. 

Now Clary did something that caught Jace off-guard. Even though she let him touch her, she was still careful around him. She didn't do any of the bigger things. But now, she scooted back from him and lay her head in his lap. Jace didn't mind. He couldn't help but smile. He brushed the hair that fell into her face away and he expected her to look nervous for doing something like this, but she only looked completely exhausted. She was asleep in seconds. 

Moving as little as possible, he took the blanket that was folded in the chair beside them and he spread it over her. Jace played with her hair because he knew she liked it when he did.

Jace sat with her for about an hour and 30 minutes until he gently lifted her head and got up. He laid her back down and bent to kiss her cheek before he went to the kitchen to make something to eat. He filled a pot with water and put it on the stove to boil. Then we went back to check on Clary to see if she was okay. 

But she wasn't.

She was having a nightmare.

With one hand she held the blanket to her chest and the other hand clutched the side of the couch so hard that her fingers started to turn white. She folded her legs under her and, barely audible, she whimpered. 

Jace ran to her and brought her into his arms. He was able to wake her up but it was a minute or two before she came to her senses. When she did, she held him at an arms length and met his gaze. Then, he gasped at what he saw. 

Her eyes were filled with pain and he saw how scared she was but that was not what made him freeze. All the green color that her eyes had, the color that changed with her emotions, was gone. It had drained from her eyes. They had no color at all. all he saw was a strange translucent silver.

She looked at him and sighed with what he thought was relief and pulled him back to her. Still, he couldn't get the picture out of his mind.

He took her hand and she squeezed his hand hard. She was shaking, and he brought the blanket around her, more for comfort rather than warmth. She held onto his hand as if it was keeping her from falling apart. And maybe it was.

It hurt to see that this beautiful girl- _his_ beautiful girl- was so broken beyond repair.

~

Jace didn't know Clary's nightmare was about him. She remembered him finding out she wouldn't speak. But in her dream, Jace saw that she wasn't going to talk and he was disappointed in her. He walked away. She ran for him, but he wouldn't turn around. She fell and he wasn't there to catch her like he always was. Clary reached for him, but he didn't care. 

When she woke up and he was there, she was so relieved, she found it hard to breathe. It was still hard to shake off the memory of the dream, though. She held him tight and he didn't push her away. Of all the nightmares she's ever had, this one had to be the worst.

Out of nowhere, they heard a loud sizzling. Jace looked up and said, "the water," as if he had forgotten about it. 

He moved to set her back on the couch, and she panicked. She didn't want him to leave her.

"Clary," he said. "I have to take the water off the stove. I'll be right back." When she didn't let him go, he added, "I promise." She didn't want to let him go, not even for a second. But the sizzling continued and she finally let him sit her back down on the couch.

She pulled the blanket closer around her and after a few seconds, the noise stopped and Jace came back to her. Now she put her arms around his neck. She wasn't letting him go this time.


	11. Soul Sisters

Isabelle sat across from Simon in the coffee shop, sipping her mocha. {I think she should like mochas! I don't but she has that sort of personality.} She loved how easy it was to be around him. They never ran out of things to talk about. He could always make her laugh.

But lately, he has not been as playful as he usually is. It was because of Clary, she knew. 

That reminded her. There was something she wanted to do, but she needed advice. Simon knew Clary enough to help.

"Simon?" she asked, still a little unsure of her question.

"Hmm?"

"I want to ask Clary something and I need your opinion."

"Okay...?" he said, interested. 

"I want... I want Clary to be my _parabatai_."

Simon raised his eyebrows. "She's going to say no."

"I already know that. She isn't going to see why I want her to be my _parabatai_ because she hasn't finished training. And she probably feels even less of herself because of what happened. But I can tell her that I can help her with training. That's what _parabatai_ do. So... Do you think that I can convince her?"

"I'm not sure. But you should try."

"So, you think it's a good idea? I was going to ask her before but then..."

"You should. It _is_ a good idea." 

"I feel like I should ask Jace first. He's so protective of her. Especially now."

"He doesn't need to be. She's strong. She'll pull through. Of course she needs someone now but she can fend for herself." Simon leaned back in his chair.

"She just needs to finish training. And I can help with that. Jace will want to help, too, I'm sure." Isabelle paused. "Simon, what if she doesn't want to be my _parabatai_?"

"We just talked about this. She-"

"No. What if she doesn't want _me_ to be her _parabatai_?"

"Iz, no one would be a better _parabatai_ for her than you."

"You would," she said.

"I'm a vampire."

"Daylighter," she corrected.

"Izzy, just ask her. Why wouldn't she want you to be her _parabatai_?"

"Okay. I'll ask her."

~

Jace said her eyes had changed. What? What did that mean? She went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He was right. Her eyes had a silver quality to them. They were so much paler but she could see the traces of green. How long have they been like that?

She still felt unhinged from her dream. Clary looked over at the bath tub knowing what would make her feel better. {a bath, guys. A BATH.} 

Jace had convinced her that he wasn't leaving, he wasn't going anywhere, so now she just had to shake off the after effects of the nightmare. She walked to the tub and stopped the drain and turned the water on as hot as it would go. She undressed {its getting hot in here so take off all your clothes} {#sorrynotsorry} and stepped in the hot water, stinging her toes. She sat and leaned back, waiting for the tub to fill completely. The heat of the water turned her skin pink and it was so hot that she could see the steam. {stop it guys, you're ruining it} Finally, Clary could relax and not have to worry about holding herself together. She felt almost numb despite the constant throb over her body.

The words written on her arm - "My memory is my worst enemy," "You can't break a girl that's already broken," - stood out. They had only started to fade, where as the first words she had written - Because of me - was nearly gone. 

She will give them time to fade if they were going to.

Hopefully, everyone would give her time to put herself back together again. 

Clary didn't want them to put her back together for her. No. _She_ wanted to do that. They were there to make sure that none of the pieces got lost.

~

Simon and Isabelle came back to Magnus' apartment to find Jace stirring something in a pot at the stove. 

"Where's Clary?" Isabelle asked. 

"I think she's taking a bath. I heard the water run."

Simon noticed he wasn't his usual sarcastic self. Something must have happened. He looked at Iz and she met his gaze with a look that told him that she had noticed it, too. 

"She's taking a bath in the middle of the day?" Iz asked.

Jace shrugged. 

"Is everything okay?"

Jace finally looked at them. "Clary's not. I doubt she had any sleep last night. About two hours ago, she fell asleep on the couch and woke back up with a nightmare."

"Maybe it would help," she turned towards Simon, "if I asked her sooner. Do you think?"

"Ask her what?" Jace interrupted Simon.

"Ugh! You're so protective of her!" Isabelle said, irritated. Jace raised his eyebrows. He knew he was. "I want her to be my _parabatai_. Do I need to ask your permission?"

Jace smiled. "No, you don't need my permission. Ask her." But then Jace stopped and added, "You're going to have to talk her into it, though. She'll think that you wouldn't want _her_ to be your _parabatai_."

"Yeah, I-"

Clary came out of the bathroom, her hair wet and wearing different clothes. Jace saw that the green had bled back into her eyes and they were back to normal.

She smiled when she saw Simon and Isabelle. Immediately, Iz walked up to Clary and took her arm. Clary looked surprised, but not scared.

"I need to talk to you," Izzy said, pulling Clary after her. She followed but turned back to Simon and Jace with a questioning look. Simon shrugged. She followed Isabelle into her spare room. 

~

"Normally, I would ask you to not say anything until I'm done, but I don't think that applies now. So just don't... Just listen, okay?"

Clary smiled, having absolutely no idea what this was about. Since she had known Isabelle, it had gotten easier to understand her, but now, Clary was at a loss.

"I was going to ask you before, but you can guess why I didn't get to." Iz sat on the bed beside Clary, facing her, and nervously playing with her hair. "Anyway, before I was friends with you, I pretty much thought that other girls were just people to compete with. Who looks better, who has the smallest jean size, not people that you were supposed to get along with. But then, you came along, and you didn't care about that stuff. I've never even met another girl like that. Someone who didn't want a part in the competition. You could just do whatever you wanted, you and Simon, and you guys were happy. And I was trying to figure out which top would go best with my new skirt. You were the first friend that I have ever had that is a girl. Aline, well, I don't even like her. She can be a bitch. She won't listen if I have something to say. She thinks she has something more important on her mind. You don't act like that. 

"So... I wanted to ask you..." Isabelle looked at Clary who could tell that she was nervous to ask.

"I wanted to know if you would like to be my _parabatai_."

Clary was shocked. Why would Isabelle want her? Why-

"I know what you're thinking and stop it." Iz said accusingly. "If I didn't want you to be my _parabatai_ , I wouldn't have asked. I can help you with the rest of your training. You are good with runes. When a _parabatai_ draws runes on their other half, the runes are stronger. You know that. Having a _parabatai_ is a huge advantage for Shadowhunters. So don't think you won't be helping me, too. Just don't blow me up like you did the ship."

Clary wanted Iz to be her _parabatai_ and she has gotten a lot closer to her. She could help with runes and Iz could help her with training. She was afraid that her not talking would affect Izzy, too, if they were tied. But Iz looked at her hopefully and she knew she couldn't say no. She smiled. 

"Does that smile mean yes? Please tell me that smile means yes!" Clary laughed at her reaction. "That smile _does_ mean yes!" Iz squealed, which was very unlike her, and hugged her. 

Hopefully, this would help her heal.


	12. Self Image

Simon knew Clary accepted Isabelle's offer when they came out of Izzy's room. Iz had a skip in her step and was grinning. Clary looked like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Iz was never giddy. 

"Can I see your cell phone?" Simon asked Clary. He just wanted to play a game on it. She nodded and pointed to her spare room.

He stepped into her room and saw the phone on the nightstand. He picked it up, but something else caught his eye. 

Wedged between the wall and the nightstand was a folded peice of paper. Thinking it was nothing, he pulled it free to find the sharpie writing on the other side had bled through. Unfolding the paper, he read the first line.

_"Dear anybody..._

It was unmistakably Clary's handwriting. He didn't want to read something she wrote without asking her permission, but it said...

He read it.

~

Simon walked as casually as he could to the kitchen where Jace was. He was draining the water from spaghetti noodles. 

"Hey," Simon said, getting his attention. 

Jace looked from Simon to the bowl of spaghetti sauce on the counter. "That isn't blood, Daylighter. Go find somewhere else to feed."

"No. That's not what this is about." Simon handed him the letter he found. 

"What? A love note? I always knew you had feelings for me-"

"Just read it!"

Jace unfolded the letter and said immediately, keeping his voice down, "This is Clary's."

"I know. Just read it."

Jace looked at him uncertainly and then dropped his gaze to the note. His eyes darkened as he got further down. "That's really what she thinks? That we're disappointed in her?" 

"Of course she thinks that. It's Clary."

"What could Sebastian have done to her to make her think this?

Simon sighed. "I don't think I want to know."

~

Simon decided that they would show Magnus the letter before they let Clary know that they found it. When everyone came back, Magnus led them to his study so they could talk. Simon explained where he found it and that they haven't told her yet. Then he handed Magnus the note. He read it. When he looked up, his expression was grim, yet, he laughed a little.

"What?" Simon asked.

"It's so... _Clary._ It's so like her. It's exactly what she would say. I think of it as proof. That she's still in there after all she's been through."

"You think you know what happened to her," Jace said.

"No, I _know_ I know what happened to her."

"So, what is it?"

Magnus looked at Jace, his expression sad. "You know what happened, Jace. You just don't want to believe it."

~

Isabelle told Jocelyn about her and Clary and she seemed happy. Luke was going to send a message to the Clave and request a ceremony. Meanwhile, Iz and Clary sat in Clary's room. Izzy noticed Clary's ear buds sitting on the nightstand and said suddenly, "I've never really listened to music."

Clary looked at her. Her expression told her that she thought that that was crazy. 

"Music is mostly mundane. Shadowhunters don't listen to it much. Sure, I've heard it, but I've never taken the time to pay attention to the lyrics."

Clary took her phone off the nightstand and tapped music. She looked at Iz, who smiled. 

"What song reminds you of me?"

Clary laughed and chose a song called Titanium. 

"What about one that reminds you of Simon?"

She chose a song called Everybody Talks.

"What about one that fits you?"

Clary looked up and met her eyes. She then scrolled through her music and found a song called Down by Jason Walker. Iz could tell that she wouldn't have chose that song before she had stopped talking. It showed how much she has changed because of _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the songs in the last scene.   
> Titanium (feat. Sia)- David Guetta & Sia  
> Everybody Talks- Neon Trees  
> Down- Jason Walker
> 
> You have more than likely heard Titanium and Everybody Talks. Those are on the radio a lot. Me and my friend don't know why but Everybody Talks just reminds us of Simon. Don't ask. We don't know. Down by Jason walker is very unknown though :/ If you are too lazy to look for it, here are the lyrics.
> 
>  
> 
> I don't know where I'm at  
> I'm standing at the back  
> and I'm tired of waiting.  
> Waiting here in line  
> hoping that I'll find  
> What I've been chasing.
> 
> I shot for the sky  
> I'm stuck on the ground  
> So why do I try?  
> I know I'm gonna fall down.  
> I thought I could fly  
> So why did I drown?  
> Never know why   
> It's coming down, down, down.
> 
> Not ready to let go  
> 'Cause then I'd never know  
> What I could be missing  
> But I'm missing way too much  
> So when do I give up  
> What I've been wishing for?
> 
> I shot for the sky  
> I'm stuck on the ground   
> So why do I try?  
> I know I'm gonna fall down  
> I thought I could fly  
> So why did I drown?  
> Never know why  
> It's coming down, down, down
> 
> Oh, Im going down, down, down  
> I can't find another way around  
> And I don't want to hear that sound  
> Of loosing what I never found
> 
> (I shot for the sky  
> I'm stuck on the ground  
> Why do I try?  
> I know I'm gonna fall down  
> I thought I could fly  
> So why did I drown?  
> I'll never know why  
> It's coming down, down, down) X2


	13. Training

There were a few nights, Clary remembered, that Sebastian decided to stay the night with her after she thought he was done. Neither of them slept, Sebastian always made sure of that. Her clothes were tossed to the floor and they laid in that uncomfortable bed, Clary tense and Sebastian’s hands where they shouldn’t be. If she so much as moved, or made a sound, he would find some sick way to punish her. Even though she was beyond exhausted, she knew she wouldn’t sleep for the next few days.

Clary had learned not to cry around him, no matter how bad it got. She had to hold it off until he was gone.

Although Sebastian enjoys torturing her in this way, she knew that he was jealous of the effect that Jace had on her. He wanted to have that. Where she looked at Jace with love, she looked at Sebastian with hatred. Sebastian wanted Clary to love him, which she never would. Sebastian must have thought that this was the next best thing, but always wante more.

Wherever he touched her, an icy feeling spread over her body, no matter how warm it was in the room. Hours after he had left, she would lay freezing, wrapping the blankets around her for warmth and finding none. 

Even just memories of him would make that feeling wash over her again, like she fell in a huge pile of snow. It wasn’t pleasant, though. All she wanted was to bathe in the sun, but then a blizzard would come. 

Now Clary marveled at how warm and safe she felt in Magnus’s apartment, sleeping (well not much) in her own bed. There were wards to protect her, and, of course, there was Jace. He would never let anyone hurt her as long as he was around.

Sometimes, she hated that he wanted to protect her so much. He didn’t deserve that. She wanted him to stop worrying about her. It was hard to hide things from him. As much as Clary tried to make people think she was okay, Jace always knew when she wasn’t. If she would somehow fall asleep and have a nightmare, he would be there when she woke up. And he didn’t _deserve that._ He shouldn’t have to always make sure she’s okay. But Clary didn’t know what she would do if he wasn’t there. She needed him. But she hated that she did that to him.

Clary knew that if Jace stayed with her at night, the nightmares would go away, but she wasn’t ready to let her guard down near someone else for a whole night. Not yet. Jace knew she wasn’t getting enough sleep. Of course he knew that. She could never hide anything from him. She wished she didn’t want to.

~

“Good news!” Luke sad when Clary got up. “The Clave wants to have the _parabatai_ ceremony tomorrow. It will be altered so that you don’t have to say anything and still be tied.”

Clary was usually the last one up where as she wasn’t trained to wake up early and where it was harder to get up with the lack of sleep, but she didn’t see Jace or Simon anywhere. 

“We can go to the Institute to train here in a little bit,” Izzy said. “You’ve learned most of your flips so we can start on blades. Seraph blades won’t work for you unless someone opens it for you.”

Just then, a rune flashed across her mind, one she has never seen before. But it was gone just as quick. 

“Hey, Clary,” she heard and turned to see Simon.

“I need to talk to you.”

~

Simon and Clary sat in her room, Clary waiting for Simon to say what he had wanted to talk to her about. 

“Clary… Why did you write that letter?” 

It caught her off guard but she knew exactly what he was talking about. 

“Sorry for reading it without your permission, but you have to know we’re not disappointed in you. I don’t know what happened to you and I may never know but whatever happened, it’s not your fault. It’s Sebastian’s. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Clary.”

There was a knock on the door. They heard Izzy’s voice. “Clary, come on! We’re about to leave!”

“Seriously, Clary,” Simon said. “Stop beating yourself up. It wasn’t your fault.”

~

“This,” Jace explained, “is a Scottish claymore. It takes two hands to use, and, look, it’s almost as tall as you,” he said with a smirk.

Clary ignored that last remark and walked to that table that had all of the blades laid out on it. She picked up a Seraph blade.

“You know what that is.” Isabelle, hearing Jace say that, turned and looked at what she had. “But,” Jace continued, taking it from her, “you can’t use it unless one of us opens it for you.”

Clary gave Jace a “challenge accepted” look and took it back from him. She took his stele out of his weapons belt and held it to the Seraph blade.

“What are you doing?” Jace asked her. When that rune was finished, she drew a similar rune on her wrist that only varied slightly from the first. Then she leaned back to see the matching pair. She held the sword in front of her and, without saying anything, the blade lit up with its shimmering quality. 

Jace and Isabelle looked at the blade with astonishment. “How did you do that?” Isabelle asked.

Clary looked back at the blade and willed it to close. It did.

“That’s crazy,” Isabelle said.

“That’s my girlfriend,” Jace said with a huge smile on his face.

“Well,” Izzy said with a puzzled expression on her face. “You can use a Seraph blade on your own, after all.”

~

Isabelle and Clary were allowed to take three people each to the Silent City for the ceremony. Clary chose Jace, her mom, and Luke. Isabelle chose Simon, Alec, and her mother. They were taken to the Silent City by Brother Zachariah. He had Iz and Clary stand in the middle of the speaking stars. A separate circle of fire was light around each of them. The circles touched at one spot so that they shared a small section of the line of fire. 

Brother Zachariah spoke in all of their minds. _Today we have come to see the binding of two Shadowhunters to make them a pair and be united as_ parabatai. _The tradition of the_ parabatai _goes back to the beginnings of the Shadowhunters; the first_ parabatai _were Johnathan Shadowhunter himself and his compainion, David. Clarissa Adele Fairchild and Isabelle Sophia Lightwood are the two Shadowhunters in which we are seeking the binding of, today. Clarissa, if and only if you sincerely mean the oath you are about to agree to will you be able to cross the line of fire into Isabelle’s circle. Isabelle, if and only if you sincerely mean the oath you are about to agree to will Clarissa be able to cross the line of fire into your circle. If either of you do not mean to keep the oath, the fire will rise and prevent either one of you to cross into the other’s circle. Are these requirements understood?_

Clary nodded, looking at Brother Zachariah and Isabelle spoke aloud, “yes.”

_Clarissa, do you swear that wherever she goest, you shall go; wherever she diest, you shall die, and there shall you be buried: The Angel do so to you, and more also, if aught death part her and you? Under the name of The Angel, do you swear?_ Clary nodded. And she meant it. 

_Isabelle, do you swear that wherever she goest, you shall go; wherever she diest, you shall die, and there shall you be buried: The Angel do so to you, and more also, if aught death part her and you? Under the name of The Angel, do you swear?_

“Under the name of The Angel, I swear,” Isabelle’s voice rang loud and clear over the crackling of the fire that was now smoking up the room.

_Clarissa, attempt to cross the line of fire._

This would be the part where everyone held their breath, but Clary had no doubts as she stepped over the place in the rings of fire that touched. She was now in Isabelle’s circle, and she was grinning at her when she looked up. 

_Clarissa, take out your stele and draw the first_ parabatai _rune on Isabelle._

Clary took out her stele and Isabelle drew up her sleeve. The smoke was growing even thicker, but even though she could still see through it, she knew she could do it if she were blind. She drew the rune on Izzy’s upper arm, having memorized it long before. When Clary finished, Brother Zachariah spoke again.

_Isabelle, take out your stele and draw the matching_ parabatai _rune on Clarissa._

Having only worn a tanktop, Clary only had to move aside her strap and she indicated for Isabelle to draw it on her left shoulder blade, close to her heart. As Isabelle finished drawing, the strangest sensation came over her and she knew that Isabelle had it, too. She could feel Isabelle’s existence all through her. She could tell that she was healthy, in good shape, and near her. She looked at Isabelle and knew that she was feeling the same thing. 

_As you are now_ parabatai _, the fire blazes out_ as it did abruptly, _but the bond remains strong and shall remain until death. Use your bond as to protect the other and to fight against evil in the name of The Angel._

~

Clary could sleep that night. No nightmares. No nothing. She felt safe. Secure. She had a _parabatai_. She couldn’t believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the section of the parabatai ceremony that reads
> 
> The tradition of the parabatai goes back to the beginnings of the Shadowhunters; the first parabatai were Johnathan Shadowhunter himself and his compainion, David.
> 
> came from Cassandra Clare and Joshua Lewis's novel, _The Sadowhunter Codex_.  
>  I did not write that line. It is not mine.


	14. No Sleep

The bliss didn't last for long. The next few nights she didn't sleep at all.

Everyone was sitting around a dining table that Magnus had put in the apartment.

"Everyone is going to eat this," Magnus said to them. "I hardly ever cook. If I do, I expect it to be eaten."

Clary was in a daze, Jace could tell. She definitely hadn't gotten any sleep lately. When Magnus served his lasagna, she looked at it blankly. She played with her fork for a few minutes and then let it clatter back to the plate. Magnus noticed she wasn't eating, but didn't say anything.

When everyone was finished eating, Magnus took up the plates and fed Clary's untouched slice to Chairman Meow who ate it eagerly. Nobody got up, they stayed sitting and talked. Clary was the first to get up. 

She moved back the chair and stepped away from it, but her foot caught on the leg of the chair. Jace, who was sitting beside her, caught her by the waist and kept her from falling. Clary looked at him without really seeing and took his hand from her waist and left the room. Jace started to get up and follow her but Isabelle stopped him and went herself.

~

Isabelle followed Clary to her spare room.

"Go to bed, Clary," Isabelle demanded. Clary shook her head.

"You have to sleep sometime! It's not healthy. I'm tied to you, Clary, I can tell you feel like crap. Just go to sleep."

Clary rolled her eyes but seemed to give in. She pointed to the door and laid back in the bed.

"You better sleep," Izzy warned. She turned the light off on her way out.

~

After a couple of hours, Clary got tired of staring at the ceiling.

She wandered to the living room, where Iz pulled her to the side as soon as she saw her. 

"Did you sleep at all?" She asked accusingly.

Clary gave her a "Bitch, I might have" look.

Iz rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I can't make you sleep. I'm going to bed."

~

A few hours later, Clary was sitting on her bed. Jace must have been the last one up. He came and stood in her doorway.

"You okay?" he asked.

She gave him a look that said, "really?!"

He laughed a little and said, "Okay, bad question." He came to her bed and sat beside her. He brushed her hair behind her ear. "You have to sleep. Seriously, Clary. I mean it." 

She gave him a look and he knew what it meant. She didn't want to sleep. He stood. "I'll be right in there." Clary shook her head, took his hand, and pulled him closer to her. Her eyes flashed.

"What?" he asked. Then he knew. "No, Clary, not tonight. Your parents are in the room beside us. I don't want to get you in trouble." She didn't let go of his hand. "Clary, I'm in the room right outside. If you have a nightmare, come and get me. You'll be fine. Another night, okay?" He wanted to stay with her, to keep her nightmares from coming, but he was afraid she wasn't ready for that. He didn't want to scare her. "I'm right outside. Just come and get me. I'll be in here if something happens."

She sighed and dropped his hand. He took her face in his hands and kissed her. "I love you, Clary. Good night." He left and closed the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow that chapter was a lot shorter than I thought it would be. Sorry it sounded choppy :P The next one's better


	15. Another Nightmare

_Clary couldn't move. Nothing restrained her, but she knew that if she moved, something bad would happen. So she stayed still._

_She was sore all over. That didn't surprise her, though. Here, she always had new cuts and bruises._

_Sebastian came back into the room and was pleased to see that she hadn't moved. She wanted to say something, to catch him off guard, but he would only slap her. It was useless. So instead she glared at him._

_He came over to the bed and climbed up, straddling her hips. She wished she could push him off, hit him, anything to get him away from her, but he would just hit back. Harder._

_"Tonight's your lucky night," he said with a sick smile. "I can't believe you didn't tell me that I would be your first."_

_"Bastard," she breathed. He was crushing her._

_"Shut up." He slapped her so hard that she had to gasp for air. He slapped her because he knew she would never call Jace a bastard. But she would call him that every chance she got._

_"Good idea, Clary. You just made it worse."_

~

She must not have screamed. Jace wasn't in there when she woke up. Clary remembered that night. That must have been the worst night she spent with him. It hurt to remember. 

Now she remembered that Jace had told her to come and get him if she had a nightmare. She didn't want to wake him up, but she had agreed she would.

On her way to the living room, she tried to push the dream out of her head, but it kept coming back. A sob escaped her and that must have woke Jace. 

"Clary?" He got up off the couch and she couldn't help it. She ran over to him and nearly knocked him down when she ran into his arms. 

"It was just a dream, Clary." He wiped the tears from her face. She wished she could stop crying. She hated crying. But she had already started. "It's okay." He sighed. "Ma belle fille brisee." Clary knew enough of French to know what he said. And to know she didn't deserve it.

~

"You need to go back to sleep," he whispered. She took his hand and started to pull him with her. If she was going to sleep, it was going to be with him. Clary knew he would make the nightmares go away.

"Clary, I don't want to get you in trouble." That wasn't going to change her mind. She pulled him into her bedroom. "Are you sure? You want me to stay in here with you?" She nodded. "I'm not going to scare you am I?" She shook her head. He sighed. "Alright. But I'm going back in there a little before five o'clock, okay? I don't want anyone to know I was in here." She nodded. That was hours from now.

Jace climbed in bed after her. He lay on his back and she put her head on his chest. She felt safe, warm. "Go to sleep," he whispered. And finally, without any trouble, she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is it with me and short chapters? I'm sorry :P   
> "Ma belle fille brisee" means "My beautiful broken girl" Clary thought that she didn't deserve to be called his girl.


	16. Clary!

Magnus told Alec, Jace, Izzy, and Simon to go to the grocery store and get more food. Jocelyn and Luke went back to their house to get more clothes. Magnus stayed back with Clary who was finally sleeping well. 

"Grapes grow on trees!" Alec argued. They were almost back to the apartment. 10 minutes away. 

"No," Izzy said. "They grow on vines." 

"A vine is a tree!" he said back.

"I thought they grew on bushes," Simon added.

"What is wrong with you?!" Jace entered. "They grow on vines, not bushes. And no, Alec, a vine is not a tree, a vine is a vine."

"But they have bark."

"That doesn't make it a tree!" Jace practically shouted at him.

Suddenly, Isabelle fell to her knees.

"Izzy, what's wrong?" Simon asked. She didn't answer. She was gasping for air. Her hand went to her upper arm and came away red with blood. 

Simon had to get away. He had to. But he didn't want to leave her. He stood back.

"Iz?" Alec asked as he knelt beside her. She looked up and met Jace's eyes.

"Clary," she gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay that one was so tiny, it wasn't even funny.


	17. Revenge

Jace was gone. He moved so fast, you couldn't see him.

"Stay with Alec, Iz," Simon said. He followed Jace but he wasn't close to how fast he was going. His lack of blood made him slower. He looked back and saw Iz trying to get up, but Alec told her to stay down.

Simon wasn't seeing straight. This couldn't be happening. Clary had to be okay.

~

Jace was about to burst through the apartment door, but now he realized that something might be in there. He opened the door slowly and stealthily stepped inside. He saw Magnus, chained with a metal that Jace would bet was charmed with magic that cut off Magnus' use of his. And then he saw Clary. On the ground. Blood was everywhere. Her throat was slit. And she was dead.

The world swayed around him. He felt completely numb. No. This is a nightmare. There was no way that this was real. _Clary..._

"Jace!" Magnus hissed. He was being quiet. "Don't go to Clary. Come over here. I mean it. Now, Jace." It took everything he had not to run to Clary, but he went to Magnus.

"Unchain me. Quietly, though." Jace did. 

"He's in there." Magnus pointed to the kitchen. "Kill him."

Jace didn't have to be told twice.

~

Jace ran into the kitchen, blade in hand. He didn't give enough time for Sebastian to turn around. He slashed his back, deep. Sebastian cried out in pain. In seconds, Jace had him pinned against the wall. He held the sword to his throat. 

"Here to save the day, Jace? Well, you're a little late. You always are," Sebastian taunted.

He took a breath like he was going to say something else, but Jace didn't let him get that far. The sword ripped through Sebastian's heart. And Jace let him fall to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally. I hate him.


	18. Revival

Jace walked back to the living room and collapsed beside Clary. Magnus was kneeling beside her limp form. 

Simon, Alec, and Isabelle came through the door. Isabelle was leaning on Alec. Jace was holding Clary's hand. It seemed unreal. Her hand was colder than it should be. He felt completely empty. Hallowed out.

"Stand back," Magnus said.

"What?" Jace asked, not hearing right.

"I might be able to save her! STAND BACK!"

He heard _that._ Jace reluctantly dropped Clary's cold hand and stepped back. A blue light came up between Magnus's hands. He put one hand on Clary's heart and one hand on the wound on her neck. The slit started to glow with the blue light. 

"Isabelle, come and draw an _iratze_ on her." Magnus demanded.

"But it won't-"

"Just do it!"

Jace had never seen Magnus panic before. He looked frantic as he tried to stay focused. At that time, Jocelyn and Luke waked in.

"Clary!"

Jace had never seen Jocelyn panic, either. She rushed forward, meaning to touch Clary.

"Simon, deal with her please!" Magnus yelled to him. Simon went to Jocelyn and had to hold her back.

Why wasn't Jace freaking out? Panicking? He just watched in disbelief. 

Magnus took his hand off Clary's wound. He reached out to Alec who was at his side in seconds. "I need your energy, Alec." Magnus took his hand and Jace saw Alec's eyes droop.

Jocelyn had calmed down a little, seeing that Magnus was trying to save her and Simon didn't have to hold her back anymore. Isabelle finished drawing the _iratze_ on the side of Clary's neck and it started to heal Clary's wound. Magnus told Alec to go rest, but he didn't go anywhere. Magnus continued working on Clary. 

Jace watched in a daze. The longer it took Magnus, the more he lost hope and what had happened started to really sink in. He lost track of time and all he could think was that it was too late. If she hasn't been saved yet, she couldn't be saved at all. 

He closed his eyes. Now it hurt. Really bad. He couldn't imagine a world without her.

Now he looked up at her lifeless body. He wound was healed, but she wasn't breathing. Everyone always said that when someone was dead, they looked like they were sleeping. That is not what Clary looked like. Clary never slept on her back, like she was now. She was always curled up against him on her side. She always moved slightly in her sleep; shifting her hand or moving closer to him. But now she was completely and eerily still. 

Suddenly, she seemed to glow with Magnus's blue light but it was gone in a second, just like it had came. Magnus sat back. Jace saw Clary's chest rise and fall. She was breathing.

He ran to her side and checked her neck for a pulse. It was there. But just slightly. 

"Oh, thank God," he heard himself say. Jocelyn and Luke were at her side, too. 

"She won't stay alive unless she has more energy. Jocelyn?" Magnus held out his hand to her. Jocelyn put her hand in his and Magnus took Clary's hand, too. 

Color came back to Clary's face, but slowly left Jocelyn's. Magnus broke the connection and said, "It's done. She's alive. She won't be awake for a few days, but she's alive."

Magnus had Jace carry Clary back to her spare room and Jocelyn asked for some time alone with her. Magnus went to bed and Alec followed. Isabelle lifted her sleeve and saw that her _parabatai_ rune was black again.

It all seemed surreal


	19. Your Son

After Jocelyn had sat by Clary's side for a few hours, she kissed her daughter's forehead and went to the kitchen. She saw Sebastian's body leaning up against the back wall. A sword stuck through his chest. She froze. Mostly she was relieved he was dead, but...

"Jocelyn?" Luke's voice almost broke her from her daze. 

"He could have been my son," she heard herself say. Luke came up behind her and took her arm.

"Come on. The Clave is coming to take his body. They're going to preform the ceremony on Clary while they're here." He pulled her away from the kitchen.

~

The Silent Brothers came and took Sebastian's body. They said he wasn't going to have a funeral. He didn't deserve one. A Silent Brother and an Iron Sister went to Clary to preform the ceremony. Once it was finished, they promptly left.

~

Jace walked over to Magnus. He couldn't help but wonder...

"When I came back to life by the Angel, I was fine immediately. Why is Clary not going to wake up for a few days?"

Magnus looked at him. "Because you were brought back by an angel. _The_ angel. I am just a warlock. My magic is sloppy compared to an angel. But it is effective. Don't worry. She'll be fine. She'll wake up in a few days but she won't regain her strength for about a week- if she gets enough rest, which I'm not counting on. I saw Sebastian kill her. Yes, she fought back, but he's stronger than her. And he made sure she was afraid of him. And she was. Anyone would be. When she wakes up, She'll be relieved he's dead, but she's still going to remember him. Just like before, you just need to be patient with her."

"Have you ever brought someone back like that before?"

"No. I wasn't even sure I could when I did it. My old friend Ragnor knew how to. He taught me, but I thought I wasn't powerful enough to do it."

~

Magnus left Jace to his thoughts and went to the living room to find Jocelyn looking distressed. He knew by the look on her face that she was trying to hide her grief for her son that could have been.

"It's okay to miss him. It's okay to mourn his death," Magnus said as he approached her. She looked up at him.

"How? He was a monster."

"He was your son."

"No he wasn't. That wasn't my son."

"No, but you wish he was," magnus said gently. "Him dying meant losing any chance of getting your real son back. So mourn him. No one will blame you."

"Could my son have really been in there?"

"Who knows? If he was, Sebastian would have fought to keep him down. It's not your fault, Jocelyn. It's Valentine's. And he's already paid the price for it. It's time to move on."

"I'll try..."

"Do it for Clary. She needs you. Of course she's strong, but she still needs some help. Like I said before, she's recovering. She just needs time."


	20. Hope

The next few days passed uneventfully as they waited for Clary to wake up. Jace was almost always by her side. During that time, the story of what happened unraveled.

While Magnus's guard was down, Sebastian made a warlock break the wards, granting him access to the apartment. He had waited for most of the house's inhabitants to leave so that he could get to Clary. When he got in, he chained Magnus with a chain that had been charmed so that Magnus was cut off from his magic. The commotion woke Clary. Sebastian was pleased to see her, but Magnus wouldn't tell what Sebastian said to her.

"It's not my secret to tell."

He did say that his words were meant to traumatize Clary, but as Sebastian said them to her, her expression stayed blank. She tried to attack him, but he was too fast. He slit her throat instead. Sebastian went to the kitchen thinking no one would be home for a while. He didn't expect Clary and Isabelle to have the _parabatai_ connection. 

~

On the fourth day after Sebastian came, Clary finally woke up. Jace was by her side in seconds. She tried to sit up, but she was too weak and Jace gently pushed her back down. He left to get her some water and gave it to her when he came back. She stared at it blankly.

"Clary..." he said tentatively. "Do you remember what happened?" he asked. She nodded.

"He's dead, Clary. He can never hurt you again." Jace saw something change in her eyes. He saw relief. And he saw something there that he hasn't seen in a long time. 

He saw hope.


	21. I Already Know

The next few days, while Clary recovered, everyone packed their things to move back, well, into their own homes. Jace knew that this would mean not seeing Clary as much but he promised her that they would work something out.

When Clary recovered her strength, she insisted on helping Jace and Isabelle move back into the Institute after she was moved back into her house. 

As they were finishing up, Jace noticed that something was bothering Clary. When he asked her what it was, she guided him into his room. She sat on his bed and he joined her. He waited, knowing that if he pushed, it would only make her more upset.

After a few minutes, she picked up her pen and her sketch book that she had left on his nightstand. She hesitated before writing. Whatever she wrote, it was short, but it was obviously hard for her to write. She set down the pen, but didn't hand him the sketch book yet. Instead, she hugged it to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut.

A few moments later, she opened her eyes and looked at him. Then she looked away and held out the sketchbook for him to take. Her hand shook. Jace took the sketchbook but held her hand in his. Then he read what she wrote.

 

"He raped me"

 

Three simple words. Words that caused her hands to shake. Words that made her cry. Words that kept her up at night. Words that gave her nightmares. Words that took her speech. Words that ashamed her. Words that broke her.

Words that she was telling him now.

Words that he found he was not surprised to see.

He looked over at her, gathered her to him and he heard himself say, "I know, Clary. I already know."

 

 

~To be continued~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the end of Reticence. I have already started writing the sequel called Incertitude. I will start uploading it next week :) I hope you liked my story


End file.
